Shock Therapy, But Make It Bipolar Chic

I finished my first week of ECT as the last-ditch treatment for my severe, medication-resistant bipolar depressive episode. I have to say, I am so shocked at how amazing I feel! I mean, I feel genuinely happy, for the first time in a long time. I feel so glad that I can scream it from the rooftops. If I weren’t crippled, I’d dance, but my body hurts just sitting here, so no random dancing. But I’m there in spirit.

ECT-unfiltered is wild. The stuff I remember can be a little traumatizing. For example, in session three, when I was recovering from the zap and anesthesia, the nurse wanted to make sure I was AOx4 (Alert & Oriented Times Four) before I left. Well, she asked me my name, where I was, what date it was, and what I was doing, but I remember panicking because I didn’t know the answers. And you know, I was genuinely terrified because it left an impression on my scrambled brains enough to sit with me for a few days after treatment.

That’s right, I remember what it was like to wake up and not know who I am, what I’m doing, or why. It was a little more than scary. I just looked at my nurse wide-eyed, mouth agape, and next thing I know, she’s rubbing my arm and calmly tells me, “You’re alright. This is normal. Just rest for a few minutes. I’ll be with you.” I remember that part vividly, and then things started to come back like what it felt like for session three. I remember the anesthesiologist up by my head who seemed like a really horrible person to work with due to a raging type-A personality. Still, as soon as the anesthetic went up into my arm, it was like someone took a match and lit it on fire. The anesthesiologist flipped a switch, and she comforted me and rubbed my arm to distract me from the fiery medicine she gave me. She would not be a joy to “work with,” but she was mysteriously kind—at least to me in that moment, and for that I’m grateful.

When I got back to the house, my psychiatrist crushed my dreams of a lithium-free life. I told him I have to hop on the scale every morning, that I do ECT treatment, and sure enough, I gained over ONE-HUNDRED POUNDS since starting lithium in November of 2023 and attempting to unalive myself. Brutal. I can feel the weight on my body, and it is painful to carry around. However, he did say insurance might cover Zepbound or something of the sort to help combat the lithium and antipsychotic side effects. He suggested I make an appointment with my PCP ASAP to discuss this further, because getting off of antipsychotics and mood-stabilizers is out of the question, unfortunately. Very unfortunate indeed. I hate being at the mercy of psych meds, but such is life, I suppose.