Why I Chose Electroconvulsive Therapy

Hi, I’m a former mental health professional, and this is a little about why I chose Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) to treat my depression. Borderpolar is the nice little nickname for those of us who have both Bipolar Disorder (BD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). People confuse the two often, but I’m here to tell you, they’re distinctly different animals to deal with. When both worlds collide, that’s when you get seriously dangerous suicidal thoughts and or behaviors. 

This summer, I got married to the love of my life, but on our cross-country road trip in our RV, the stress was too much, and I had a manic episode as a result of changes in time zone, reduced sleep, and the copious amounts of stress I was dealing with. That Big Manic Energy didn’t last, though, and quickly I slipped into Mixed-manic calamity, meaning, I was both severely depressed, and I was manic. In other words, I had all the suicidal thoughts of depression, but all the focused energy of mania to pull off whatever plan I came up with. 

I was hospitalized for sixteen days in total and then in the Partial Hospitalization Program (PHP) for six weeks. Now I’m back down to regular outpatient care with my psychologist (weekly) and psychiatrist (monthly) while going to the hospital three days a week for ECT or shock treatment, as it used to be known as. 

Mental instability and illness run in my family, as I got BD type 1 from my father and BPD from my mother. Back in the 1980s, my mother had bitemporal ECT for weeks on end while hospitalized due to her severe depressive episode from Major Depressive Disorder (MDD). Bitemporal ECT is rarely used today due to its potentially severe, permanent side effects on cognition and short-term memory loss. It’s extremely effective for treating life-threatening depression, psychosis, and catatonia, but the side effects are often not worth the risk, especially when other forms of treatment can be just as effective, although they take longer to get results. 

Currently, I’m getting the mildest form of ECT to treat my BD depression, which is Right Unilateral with brief electrical impulses that reduce the likelihood of severe side effects. There is about an 85% success rate with depressive episode remission or partial remission with this approach, and the risks of lasting memory loss twelve months post-treatment are in the single digits. That’s not to say that I won’t experience brain fog and amnesia as I continue treatment, only that the likelihood of them persisting long-term is very rare, and a chance I was willing to take because I don’t want to die. 

Depressive episodes are when my BPD traits really come out, and risk/suicidal tendencies are strong during those times. It’s not fair to my loved ones that I end my life, despite my depression being severe enough; I just want to escape the pain. However, I’d do anything for them, including giving ECT a shot. If there were an 85% chance that I’d win the lottery, I’d take that bet, and so would most people, I would think. 

ECT is not done the way it used to be back in the day, and all Lithium and Vraylar seem to have done for me is dull my emotions (not a bad thing), and make me one hundred pounds heavier. I’m still deeply depressed, so this is my last hope. 

Wish me luck.